My biography

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Biography as I have written it mainly in February/March and June/July 2017 (and updated in 2021 and 2022)

Childhood (1979 - 1996)

It is a delicate task to describe my childhood because I don't want to hurt anybody, but I also have to say that probably, the situation in my family when I was a child was probably difficult for me as a child. But I won't write about it, at least not now. What I will have to write about is the effect of my growing up in a family who experienced profound difficulties. I was born in 1979 in Zurich. During my early years as a child, I spent virtually all my time with my family (mother and the other person in our family) and I was a relatively inconspicuous child, although I also had my whims/quirks ("Marotten"), so I was in some ways a difficult child. (By the way, when I was a baby of 3 months, a juvenile glaucoma was diagnosed and I had to undergo surgery twice. The juvenile glaucoma was diagnosed too late, so I had already lost parts of my eyesight in the right eye.) But not only was I strange in some way, also the other people around me: My mother had from time to time crying fits ("Heulkrämpfe") which were horrible, so I realized that something was wrong also in the relationship of my mother with the other person in our family. I spent almost my entire childhood and adolescence in Pfäffikon ZH, Switzerland, and I am still living here (in the house of my mother that she owns alone after the other person separated from her).

From 1985-1987, I attended Kindergarten at the Kindergarten Steinacker in Pfäffikon ZH. From 1987-1993, I attended primary school at the Primarschule Steinacker in Pfäffikon ZH (with a stint of half a year in Rueun GR from late summer 1990 to late winter 1991). And on 1993, I began to attend the gymnasium/cantonal school (German: "Kantonsschule") at the "Kantonsschule Zürcher Oberland in Wetzikon - KZO" (the linked Wikipedia article is in German), located in Wetzikon ZH, a medium-sized town at the outer edge of a suburban area and the neighboring town of Pfäffikon ZH.

Youth (1996 - 2000)

So, in what kind of situation was I when I was between 16 and 20? Most importantly, because of my own (genetically caused) shortcomings and the difficult family situation, I was not able to date any women when reaching puberty (which I did at the age of 16) and when most other people of my age had girlfriends and boyfriends... First of all, I fell for ("sich vergucken") for only the tallest and most beautiful women of my school (while I have always been and still am a relatively short guy, now at 1.75 meters, so my chances of being able to date them were not too high). Furthermore, I was generally afraid that I would get addicted to erotic encounters after having experienced a first one. And I was afraid that one member of my family would destroy the delicate little plant that was growing between me and a potential girlfriend by contemptuous ("verächtlich", "abschätzig") remarks. (Given my young age then, I was not aware that such remarks by an adult were inappropriate and utterly wrong.) Furthermore, something very burdening/encumbering/debilitating ("belastend") happened in my family (it was not directly related to dating), but I don't want to write about it now (I will call it "EventX" because I will have to refer to it once more at a later stage). Furthermore, I was also socially not very competent/skilled when getting into puberty and adolescence because I had to spend most of my holidays (which were very frequent) with my parents in a holiday home / vacation house ("Ferienhaus") that was relatively isolated (it was located in Siat GR, Switzerland) and where it was difficult to meet/play with other people of my age. So, enough of bad talk about my family, because for the rest, I have to blame myself respectively take responsibility myself: As I have mentioned it, I didn't have any girlfriend and not even a date when I was between 16 and 20... I desired the 4-5 tallest and most beautiful women of my school, without having any chance at dating one of them. There was one exception that I remember until today: Once, one of these tall and very beautiful women wanted to chat with me and I failed / couldn't enter a conversation, I was probably too afraid or I thought I could chat with her later. This shows another problem that I have: I was (and still am) not funny/witty (and I know it), and, when I was young, I was also very shy and afraid of a relationship (the latter is no longer the case and I also have had a girlfriend now for several years, see My girlfriend Christine). In January 2000, I concluded the KZO by passing the Matura Typus A (with Ancient Greek and Latin as 2 main subjects) and I had learned also several other modern languages at the KZO like (besides of course German) English, French, Italian, Russian and even a little bit of Biblical Hebrew (but unfortunately no Chinese/Mandarin or Arabic). I even received a special letter from the principal of the KZO because my marks were outstanding. Furthermore, in the 2-3 years before the Matura, I had also attended astrology courses together with my mother Bigna at the now defunct API in Adliswil, earning a diploma as a certified/qualified astrologer. So, when I left the KZO after having successfully obtained the Matura degree, I had already experienced some kind of minor depressions and dissatisfaction, but because I was always staying in a protected environment (also by almost always being among my classmates), my depressions were still relatively weak/minor and I never had to go to psychological/psychiatric counseling.

2000

After I left the KZO, my life suddenly changed because I had to enter university: I went to the University of Zurich which was located in the city of Zurich and the closest university from my home. In these new surroundings, I experienced a mental/psychological crisis that was much worse than I experienced before at the KZO: I suddenly saw A LOT of tall, beautiful women (both within the university and the city generally) and each and every one of them was unattainable/unreachable ("unerreichbar") or out of reach ("ausser Reichweise") for me. So, I almost immediately developed strong depressions and I ended up (weeping) in the psychiatric polyclinic (outpatient department) of Zurich from where I was first transferred to a residential psychiatrist and from there changed to a "personal" psychiatrist who began a Freudian psychoanalysis with me (which was obviously not able to help me because of its totally outdated and partially wrong theory, but I didn't know/realize that then). My first field/subject of study that I began to study in March 2000 at the University of Zurich was law, but I very quickly abandoned it in March 2000 and instead did the Russian language course at the University of Zurich (I already had prior knowledge of Russian because I took it as an optional subject at the KZO). Furthermore, I began to be interested in robotics and artificial intelligence and therefore sat/went in a couple of lectures of the University of Zurich's AILab. I also passed the mandatory entrance test to study medicine (with the very good result of 96%) and wanted to study medicine, beginning in October 2000 (My goal was to become a psychiatrist and my mother encouraged me in this.). In summer 2000, in order to do/fulfill/accomplish the mandatory medical practical work placement ("Praktikum"), I went to the Psychiatric University Hospital Zurich (PUKZH) to work as a nurse's aide ("Hilfspfleger") where I worked for one month (and was not unexpectedly almost fired but I still was allowed to finish my practical work placement). Ironically, four and a half years later, this psychiatric hospital would become the place where I would have my first stay as a patient. So, as already mentioned, after finishing this internship / field work at the PUKZH, I began to study medicine at the University of Zurich in October 2000 but left after about 2 weeks (because I realized that I would never master it) and instead switched to the ETHZ (Eidgenössische Technische Hochschule / Swiss Federal Institute of Technology) to study computer science there which I did for 3 month and then had to leave because of exhaustion and overextension ("Überforderung"). Retrospectively, my abandonment of studying computer science was a mistake because I should have stayed there for as long as I could (and later I should have changed to a less demanding course of study, but still in computer science), because maybe, I would be a computer scientist, computational linguist or software developer now. But I did the mistake of giving up too early and stopped studying computer science altogether at the end of December 2000. Only in/from autumn 2008, I would again try to study computer science, see the text further below. The major problem of my quick abandonment of computer science was that I had never encountered computer science at a beginning or intermediate level in school. Computer science (coding/programming and software development at beginner and intermediate level) had unfortunately been completely absent as a subject in school. :-( ) So, I didn't realize that computer science would have been the right thing for me then.

2001 - 2002

Instead, in 2001, I went into 3 language stays: The first in the UK (Cambridge), the second in Spain (Tenerife) and the third one in Russia (St. Petersburg). Unfortunately, I have no contact with the people from these time anymore because Facebook didn't exist then and I lost the people's phone numbers after switching my mobile phone. Then, in October 2001, I went to the University of St. Gallen to study law (again law), but quickly switched to economics because I finally realized I was not at all suitable for law. But in January 2002, I stopped my studies at the University of St. Gallen and returned home to my parents (before, I had lived in St. Gallen during my studies for a couple of months during weekdays). Then, in spring of 2002, I assembled my own computer and began to play online computer games (first person shooters) all day (and night) long which was not good at all and which would pave the way for the very, very difficult years that would have to come and which I truly regret. More about that later...

What is also important to emphasize me that in the 1980s and 1990s, when I went to school and later to middle school / junior college, I unfortunately never had any electrical engineering or computer science tuition (and also a mathematics tuition that was present but that could have been much more demanding and sophisticated). So, I was completely inexperienced and unprepared when I began studying computer science at the ETHZ. And this disappointment and deprivation of learning opportunities is still my main motivation ("Antriebsfeder") to advocate early and continuing learning opportunities for children in the field of STEM sciences (especially with robots which are amazingly suitable for children and especially young children).

I also have to say that one reason why I am such a difficult person is my biological/birth/natural father: He is a quite difficult person and I have probably inherited that from him. So, the conditions in which I grew up explain only partially my biography and why I am like I am now, the other aspect of my character can be explained with my genes and my descent/ancestry from my biological father.

2002 - 2005

2017-02-28, 06:22h - 07:04h (uploaded at 07:15h): OK, now I have to describe my really really difficult years. I want to emphasize that they are long gone and really a thing of the past. I am not dangerous at all anymore. I just hope that the world finds peace one day and there are no conflicts anymore. So, I will write my biography in very short:

In spring 2002, I assembled my own computer (an Intel 2.4 Ghz with running Windows XP, I still remember it) and began to play computer games (first person shooters) all night long, I became really addicted to this type of gameplay. During this time, I also inherited money from a grand/great aunt who had died and I used this money to buy several firearms. I was interested in and fascinated by firearms and I had the money for it, so I wasted all my inherited on these stupid firearms! It is unbelievable but it was like that! :-( I really apologize for it! :-( Because of my addiction to computer gaming, I had also the imagination to go on a shooting spree! :-( Unbelievable! :-( I was really unhappy because my parents (mother and stepfather) forced me to restart my studies at the university. (My fascination with firearms partially also had their origin with "EventX" that I mentioned further above and about which I cannot talk more at the moment because another person was the guilty one there (and not me) and I don't want that this person gets unhappy because he is mentioned here, and anyway, it this is not so important, I just wanted to mention it.)

So, I reluctantly began to study media science at the University of Zurich and at the same time started a stockpile of firearms (and at the same time also (partially? I don't even remember it) stopped playing first person shooter computer games because I had no longer time for it). I was really angry and aggressive and had fantasies of committing a shooting spree! :-( I have to mention that in these years, it was still very easy to buy firearms because the gun laws in Switzerland were lax. It was also in this time (2003 and early 2004) that I wrote the website reformpartei.ch (its content was still in German then), a website whose content I now considerate as very stupid in most aspects (because I didn't read the really leftist newspapers yet, but only moderately left or economically liberal newspapers). My firearms collection grew and grew, but at one point, I had to stop collecting firearms because I had run out of money. In this time, while studying economics as a minor subject, I also made the acquaintance of the guy that I still have regular contact with (and where I want to publish our Facebook conversation).

In around 2003 or early 2004, I began to beat my parents (unfortunately increasingly strongly :-( ) until they had to call the police (in April 2004). Two policemen came to our house and as a result, one police officer handcuffed my right arm wrist too tightly and left the handcuffs too long in place, so I had to get medical treatment but unfortunately, no doctor (except one, but I didn't believe him / take him seriously) realized that I was suffering from increased neuropathic pain (because the nerve had been squeezed for too long) and I didn't get anticonvulsant medication for a long time which would have been able to completely stop the increasing neuropathic pain. Because my pain was increasing and increasing, I went into a clinic (not a psychiatric one, it was a somatic clinic with bathing therapy) and there, in November 2004, I finally got 100 milligrams of the anticonvulsant Neurontin. This was the right medication, but too much of it because I was not used at all to such medication at that time. I reacted strongly to these 100 milligrams of Neurontin and had to leave the rehabilitation clinic in the night and go to the emergency department of the University Hospital of Zurich. There, the emergency psychiatrist on duty saw me and decided that I had to go to a psychiatric hospital nearby (I won't say which one because something very disgraceful happened there afterwards, see the rest of this sentence here) and in this clinic (psychiatric hospital), about 2-3 weeks later, while I was still staying there, a psychiatric nurse sprayed a strong disinfectant (consisting of Propanol and Ethanol) into my face, resulting in a red and dry eye (the eye is still dry as of now (2017)). So, I left this psychiatric hospital in great despair and mounting eye pain and went to another clinic (rehabilitation clinic) in nearby Germany that my health insurance had recommended, but there, they couldn't help me too. Finally, on 18th of January 2005, after having left this clinic and returned to Switzerland, I had a breakdown because of wrong medication and sometime afterwards, during recovery from this breakdown, I finally realized that I had to take Neurontin again (but not too much as I unfortunately did in November 2004), so the eye pain stopped, but I had a new problem as a result of my breakdown: Very strong headache. The headache fortunately subsided until autumn 2006. Since 2005, I am receiving disability benefits.

2005 - 2010

In late 2005 and the first half of 2006, I also wrote the new (and now defunct) page philosowiki.org (in English).

Beginning in 2006 (I don't remember exactly in which month), I also tried to teach IT and robotics knowledge, language skills (and a little bit of violin playing) to two kids of a family in my hometown. I am still good friends with them, although I unfortunately don't see them often anymore and I had difficulties to keep in touch regularly with the family and especially with the two kids when they were still younger and I unfortunately also did mistakes when teaching the kids (who were both very young at that time) which I absolutely regret, every year more. :-(

In autumn 2006, I also acquired 2 mice and discovered the amazing nature of these little creatures. The 2 mice lived for a little bit more than a year which is not very long for a mouse; they also had 2 children who unfortunately also didn't live long. (I will write more about my experience with these 4 mice as soon as I find time.)

Also in autumn of 2006, I began new studies in educational science, again at the University of Zurich (but I would switch back to media science in autumn 2010).

In 2007 (or 2008?, I will have to check it in order to be sure), I prepared for and passed two computer technician certificate examinations: The "CompTIA A+" (in English) and the "ICT Assistant PC/Network SIZ" (in German). In fall 2008, I also briefly (for one and a half weeks) worked at Espas Zurich (in German) as a computer technician.

At the same time (in autumn 2008), I also finally began to study computer science at the University of Zurich (after I had already tried to learn Java programming previously on several occasions on my own). In spring 2009, while studying computer science as a minor subject at the University of Zurich, I met a very important guy (almost certainly with ties to a lot of people and probably also to several intelligence agencies) who indirectly (by heavily criticizing my lack of mathematical abilities/knowledge) made it clear to me how important mathematics is and he also asked me some delicate questions and with my wrong answers (that I deeply regret as of now (2017)), it became clear to him that I was still a very problematic guy and that I will have to be "taken care of". He also explicitly told me the following: "I will give you 5 years and then I will hunt you.". It would later turn out that it was less than one year until the people tied to him began to close in on me, for more information, see a little bit further below. I have to emphasize that I owe this guy a lot and that I am not and will not be in a position to reveal his identity. This is my sole lasting transparency exception that will probably only be lifted in a few decades and only if this guy agrees. At the moment, I have no contact with this guy.

2010 - 2012

In April 2010, I finally realized that I was heavily monitored by unknown people (obviously tied to the aforementioned guy) and I began writing on this website here. In April, May and early June 2010, I wrote and wrote and wrote while increasingly realizing how intensively/closely I was monitored because the connection to the server of this wiki here was influenced by invisible (for me) people. This heavy monitoring and regulating activity from afar made me increasingly paranoid which finally resulted in my committal into a psychiatric hospital where I was almost certainly given (administered intravenously) a substance that furthered psychosis (but I only became slightly psychotic from it, the psychosis was not strong yet in the beginning.) Then, a few weeks later, after I had left the psychiatric hospital, I was probably given the same substance again, this time a higher amount and by food when I was eating at the place of the family with the two kids with whom I was (and luckily still am) good friends with. I suddenly felt strong pain in the stomach and my psychosis increased. Then, in autumn/winter 2010 and even more in spring/summer 2011, I became really paranoid and psychotic. This ever increasing psychosis was very difficult to sustain/bear and I also thought about suicide every day but I thought it would be impossible to "achieve" because the people following me would prevent it because I was too slow and undecided. I even took activated charcoal several times in a(n) (probably unsuccessful and/or unnecessary) attempt to prevent that I was getting even more of this mysterious substance.

Then, in summer 2011, within a few weeks, the then very strong paranoia and psychosis went from very difficult to sustain to beautiful and full of feelings of love. In summer 2011, I also began to attend regularly church services at the GvC Züri Oberland (GvC: "Gemeinde von Christen" / "Congregation of Christians"; the website's content is in German), an evangelical church in my vicinity (then in Uster, now in Aathal) and I began to believe in God relatively strongly while experiencing amazing (but also stressful) feelings of love (because of this effect, one could also call this unknown/secret/mysterious substance "substance of God"). In this time, within a few weeks, I developed the thought that I would be the (secret) new Messiah for the world, that my thoughts and feelings are transmitted to an extremely powerful intelligence agency and the fate of the world would depend on me. Starting in the second half of September 2011, I had the impression that I would communicate with this very powerful and technologically advanced intelligence agency by telepathy and that I would bring the ability to telepathically communicate first to my invisible (for me) friends in this intelligence agency and then to whole humanity. At the same time, I thought that I would/could communicate with these people also via the text editor of the operating system that I was using them (Maybe, I indeed interacted with some people (probably from Anonymous) because the mouse cursor was moving in a very non-random way when I was writing in the text editor, unfortunately, I have no video footage of it.). These feelings of tremendous love and importance partially ended on Friday, 7th of October 2011 when I suddenly had the experience that I had lost much of my supernatural "abilities". A few days later, I had to voluntarily admit myself to a psychiatric hospital where I was for the first time given very high doses of antipsychotics. And during this first (for 2011) stay, the new very bad voices (that I still have now as of 2017) also emerged for the first time, first as an undefined fear and (significantly) later as voices telling me specific things. 3 more stays in the psychiatric hospital followed in the rest of 2011 and 2012 (my feelings of intense love partially returned after every release from the psychiatric clinic until summer 2012). And in September 2012, 6 weeks after my last stay in the psychiatric hospital, I had a very severe breakdown (and very strong bumping in my head) after having accidentally inhaled exhaust fumes from a heavy motorcycle that was accelerating in front of me when I was riding a bike in the street. Since this event, my memory is not as good as it was before. :-( But I at least managed to stay out of a psychiatric hospital since the end of July 2012 (as of 2017).

2013 - 2017

Around in early 2014, I met my girlfriend Christine and we are together since summer 2014 (I will have to check / make sure if/that the date 2014 is correct.).

My psychosis is under control since autumn 2012 and my situation has become more stable. I have to go to bed now, I will write more at a later time. But what I have to say is that, in summer 2005, I had given away or given back all firearms, except one. And I handed this last remaining firearm that I still had (a pistol/handgun) over to the police in summer 2010 (more about that later). So, since 2010, I have no firearms anymore and I am really relieved that nothing serious happened while I had these horrible things at my place. And I will never have any weapons anymore, not even a knife. For my present situation, see also My blog of February 2017. I will write more in this biography here at a later moment. I am really glad and relieved that the most horrible parts of my biography are now out in the public and that everyone can read it and that the people can understand my past. It is also important that if I had had the chance/opportunity to study computer science earlier (in an ideal case, beginning immediately after birth as I advocate it one this page here), I would not have taken such a horrible and stupid path. But at the moment, I at least try to influence the public opinion via this website here about the importance of early learning in the STEM field and especially electrical and computer engineering and mathematics. I have also realized recently that very important is a truly democratic political system and because of that, I advocate e-democracy. I will extend my biography later, maybe in one day or so... Thanks for reading! :-) And sorry for my horrible past! :-(

Update of 8th of June 2017 / 29th of June 2017: I am still living with my mother Bigna at her place and I hope I can live with her for many years to come although she gets older and older... What I still have 2-3 times a week are the "new" voices (the intimidating voices that began in October 2011). But I have become used to them and I am also regularly taking my medication (at the moment and for the past months 10 milligrams of Olanzapin Sandoz / OLanzapine and 10 milligrams of Cipralex / Escitalipram and 2.5 milligrams of Haldol / Haloperidol every second day). Otherwise, my supernatural paranoia but also the paranoia as far as the real world is concerned has/have disappeared completely. I know that my website is monitored to some extent (because I had these interruptions a few months ago), but this is probably the only interaction / (exertion of) influence (German: "Interaktion/Einflussnahme") that is still ongoing.

2018 - 2022 (now)

Updates of 12th of April 2021 and 22nd of January 2022: Beginning in mid or late summer 2018 (I don't remember when exactly I began with making a lot of YouTube videos within a short time in summer 2018), I made many videos on my YouTube channel (you can find the link to my YouTube video channel at the bottom of the Main Page). In November 2018 (or was it already partially in October 2018?), I especially did the videos in which I confessed many/most mistakes of my past and I was emotionally deeply shaken by it. Towards the end of November 2018, I had become quite psychotic (the psychosis was still moderate, but already too strong to stay with my mother) and I had to go to a psychiatric hospital again where I stayed until late December 2018, when I could return home to my mother. In December 2018 and January 2019, during a few weeks, I also experienced frightening/worrying difficulties when trying to fall asleep: When I was in the process of falling asleep, I suddenly couldn't get any air anymore and woke up and was therefore unable to fall asleep, and this repeated for several hours each time; and this problem lasted for several weeks, sometimes better, sometimes worse. I was/got/became increasingly nervous and at the same time tired because of the mounting sleeplessness and I was afraid that I was suffering from progressive insomnia or even FFI, which is a very rare, but horrible desease that I found on Wikipedia. This problem of having major difficulties of falling asleep was still there when I left the psychiatric hospital in the end of December 2018 and only resolved somehow spontaneously after the first few weeks at home (at the home of my mother). So, since (if I remember it correctly) mid-January or end-January 2019 (or was it February 2019?), I have been able to fall asleep normally again. So, all in all (in terms of psychosis and difficulties at falling asleep), since January (or February?) 2019, my situation has luckily become more stable again and I am really grateful for it, although I unfortunately still hear my "bad" voices often (always in the evening and/or night), until now (as of January 2022), despite taking all my antipsychotic and antidepressant medication in an absolutely reliable way. I also have an appointment with my psychiatrist every month, at the moment (and for the past two or three years) only by phone because leaving the house for an appointment is not easy (also because of my multiple chemical sensitivity and my hyperacusis), especially if I have to physically arrive at the doctor's place on time.

On Wednesday, 12th of January 2022, my mother and me had our first Covid vaccination, both of us with the vaccine of Pfizer/Biontech. The second vaccination for both of us will be approximately 4 weeks later, on Thursday, 10th of February 2022. Actually, I always wanted to be vaccinated (much) earlier, but my mother was against it and repeatedly persuaded me to wait with the vaccination. Me and my mother haven't had Covid so far (almost certainly).

I will also try to make new videos on my YouTube channel (although probably not a lot) in which I am going to give an update about my "bad" voices and what they are saying. I also hope that I will one day be able (allowed) to publish my conversation that I have had for more than a decade so far with C. on Facebook messenger and that is written in Standard German and is still ongoing, because in this conversation, I clarify some of my ideas (for example the inclusion of animals and robots into (early) learning environments, the liberation of all animals in the longer term and concrete ideas for eugenics, how it could be done) and it is also very personal (women 😍, babyishness 💝🍀👀, etc.).

Please see also the following 3 links:

Last updated on Saturday, 22nd of January 2022 at 15:39h, 18:54h, 19:09h, 19:12, 19:23h, 19:27h, 19:31h, 19:33h and 23:03h CET; on Tuesday, 25th of January 2022 at 14:42h and 14:59h CET; on Wednesday, 26th of January 2022 at 14:24h CET; and on Sunday, 30th of January 2022 at 15:35h and 15:37h CET.

Biography as I wrote it in August 2013

Biography (short version)

The following biography originates from a blog entry I made on 30th of July 2013 at http://www.lukasgirtanner.blogspot.com. It is clear that I cannot change the past, so I have to come to terms with it and just tell about my past what makes sense, which means especially giving an account of my (largely/predominantly wrong) internal attitudes and not necessarily everything that happened.

  • 1979: Born in November 1979.
  • 1979 - 1996: A relatively happy and well-cared / looked after childhood, at least materially, I was a relatively spoiled child (but without any computer science or electrical engineering or mathematics tuition besides what school offered), and also emotionally, things could have been worse. In summer 1993, I began to attend the gymnasium (also called "cantonal school" or "middle school"). After summer 1995, I had to choose a profile and I chose the profile with ancient European languages, Latin and Old Greek.
  • 1996 - 2000: Gradually increasing but never outspoken discontent with my life. During these years (probably between 1997 or 1998 and 1999), I also attended a course in astrology together with my mother which I concluded as a qualified astrologer. (This diploma also enabled me to write a newspaper article about astrology that can still be found on the Internet (in German language).)
  • January 2000: Concluding the cantonal school with the matura with the final examination which I passed with a very good grade. The mean of all my marks that were counting was 5.77 (out of a range of 6 for the best possible mark and 1 for the worst mark). But at the same time, I was relatively burnt out. Had the gymnasium lasted much longer, the inner problems that I already had would probably have erupted more and more. But the gymnasium ended and everything seemed fine and in order on the outside, although probably some teachers were still aware that I had changed somehow and that I was no longer the lighthearted boy or youngster (early teenager) that I once was. What especially preoccupied me was my self-perceived lack of success at the opposite sex to which I was attracted. What aggravated the situation was that I was relatively selective (but more about that later).
  • 2000 - 2004: Intermittently trying to study several subjects at various universities. Increasingly dissatisfied, increasingly outspoken at least in my family about my problems, attending sessions at several psychiatrists since 2000; first website (a very naive, political website, just from the perspective that I had then) in 2003 and 2004.
  • 2004: Some health problems (that seemed more serious) for the first time, interruption of my university studies in April 2004 (until 2006), first stay in a psychiatric hospital in November 2004, refusal to take antipsychotic medication (which the hospital staff allowed/granted because my behavior was not clearly what is called "psychotic").
  • 2004 - 2006: Complete interruption of my university studies after health problems aggravate even more in January 2005.
  • 2006: Second website, writing of the website philosowiki.org with ideas that in modified form I still partially have, but still very immature and also latently antisocial; no awareness of the importance of mathematics, no awareness of the importance of restricting one's own desires and wishes.
  • 2006 - 2010: Further attempts to study at the university, coming to an end in March 2010, first computer science courses at the university (and also successfully concluding four of them).
    • Between March and May 2009, I made the acquaintance with a very important person at the university, I will have to write a lot about this encounter (whose name I will not / cannot reveal/name/mention). This person was probably involved at a later stage behind the scenes and the conversation with this person was also instrumental in my becoming focused on mathematics. All in all, this person probably had a very good and necessary influence on my life (until now).
  • 2010: After aggravated health problems in March 2010, I encountered for the first time people who I didn't know and who didn't fit into the surroundings were they were (very close to where I lived) but who were clearly there because of me (in May 2010); writing of the third website lukasgirtanner.com in May and June 2010 under considerable stress and the impression that intelligence agencies were closely monitoring me (which was probably indeed the case, but I misinterpreted it; retrospectively, I would assess the situation slightly differently than then; again, I probably have to be lucky to have been in the right country), while still being only very remotely aware of the true extent of environmental destruction and injustices among humans; still not fully aware of the importance of mathematics and the complex interconnection of mathematics with the natural sciences and engineering (and also personally being not humble at all), so I made again mistakes when writing the page lukasgirtanner.com, this page was written at least partially with a wrong spirit initially (but still, on the other hand, I really genuinely "believed" in mathematics in a very strong way, this is especially retrospectively really astonishing).
  • 2011 - 2012 / 2013: to be continued (but in short, in summer 2011, my imagination began to truly "take off" and this feeling only subsided after several stays in a psychiatric hospital, including taking high doses of antipsychotics.) In summer 2011, I began to feel an overwhelming love energy, combined with truly intrinsic regret about my attitudes in the past and this love energy increased from day to day. From around September 20 (I have to look up the exact date, it was a Saturday), I began even to have the impression that my thoughts are transmitted to some kind of hidden/unknown "love network" of people that was around me whose goal was to bring humanity back on the right track. This love feeling ended after the first week of October 2011, but repercussions of it continued until the end of December 2011 and also for one last time in the second half of June 2012 (this was also the time when I continued writing on this blog here, see the entries below) which lead to another stay in a psychiatric hospital, the last so far. (In September 2012, a very unfortunate incident happened when I was cycling, I inhaled a lot of motorcycle exhaust fumes which seriously affected my brain, I have lost the sharpness of my memory since then.) Since summer 2012, I have (again, like in 2011) spent a lot of time reading news websites in order to inform myself how the world "works" and also in order to consolidate my worldview. I hope that this worldview won't change anymore from now on, but I am not sure. But I am certainly aware of the importance of personal ethics and trying to avoid damaging any other lifeforms or entities in life (because of that, I also again see the importance of mathematics because it is a purely non-material science) and my personal ethics has consolidated in this regard, partially already because of the love experience in 2011 (and also second half of June 2012, although the love energy was a little bit weaker than still in 2011) where my inner attitudes changed in a stressful but pleasant (love is very pleasant, although it might be painful too and in my case, it was almost always accompanied by sad/regretting/longing emotions) way and also by reading news websites. So, a lot of parentheses, I hope I will be able to write about this time soon in more depth.

This biography will become/turn out relatively long because I will be writing on it whenever I remember something. (The biography is also important to understand why I am focused so much on mathematics despite not being a mathematician and never having studied the subject in depth at a university). I will write down everything that I still remember (and I have forgotten a lot, too much, but without having forgotten so much, it would probably not be possible to begin to write anything). The most important point is probably that I am in some way a very simple person of limited intelligence that is not able to represent the importance of mathematics education and that even at least one other person was needed to make sufficiently clear to me the importance of mathematics.

(It is important that I write my biography now because I have unfortunately become quite forgetful / my memory has weakened. So, once I remember something, I will write it down here.)

Biography (long version)

Still empty, as soon as the short version becomes too long, I will continue here. I will list individual list items with details here since it is impossible to add these details above, the short section would become too long immediately (maybe after I have written the details of my childhood or other part of my life, I might amend the corresponding section above with the most important insights gained in the long section below). I have begun with my childhood, in order to somehow ground my biography into normalcy or to give an account of a still relatively normal childhood, but still giving some clues what might not have been optimal, but it is not upon me to judge, I would say that my childhood certainly had its many happy moments (at least). And I might indeed have a difficult (genetically inherited) character too or at least genetics is contributing to some shortcomings, at least some people say that about me (my biological/genetic/real father (who is a really nice guy in personal contact, unfortunately, he was not present at all during my childhood and adolescence, and his existence was withheld from my knowledge) suffers from severe depression).

1979 - 1996

Summary: Materially a spoiled child, I never had to assist my parents (s......... and mother) in the household. But also massively/socially isolated (and possibly also cognitively not furthered/stimulated enough) during the stay in our holiday home. Some strange attitudes, afraid of sa...., not hugging everybody, avoiding some people respectively at least one person, being seriously ill as a baby, being afraid of harmful substances when cooking (it was rare that I had to cook). Why this all happened as it happened, I don't know. In school: cognitively not furthered/stimulated enough in school, exposed to relatively outdated school subjects and way of teaching (at least compared to my own visions that I have now).

1979-1996 ("happy childhood" (or only "relatively happy childhood"?)): (* stress of my mother during pregnancy because of the unclear family situation)

  • first three months: I didn't sleep enough because of stress/pain in my right eye
  • three months after birth: juvenile glaucoma on my right eye was finally (too late) diagnosed
  • two major eye surgeries in the first years of life because of a juvenile glaucoma
  • earliest memory (possibly): being happily in the garden with my parents, possibly also one of my eye surgeries
  • boating on the nearby lake, happiness at outdoor activities
  • spending a lot of time outdoors with my parents
  • a lot of walks in the woods and on the wooden hills nearby (well going into adolescence)
  • a lot of invitations of people from our two families and colleagues of my s.........
  • not reacting in any oversensitive way at all to sounds from airplanes, motorcycles let alone fireworks (will remain until around 2008)
  • slight character faults/peculiarities (my aversion against "badly smelling s.l.v.")
  • occasionally (and especially in later childhood), I behaved in such complicated/difficult way (especially in the kitchen) that my s......... had to...
  • the incident with the scissors (not to be told, that was probably really my mistake, and/but the r....... was .....)
  • the incident at the mountain lake (which might have showed my sensitivity and my expectation of personal attention)
  • the incident at the mountain road (which also showed my complicatedness)
  • that my mother never told me the truth respectively her very strong suspicion that ...
  • happy life in school, I never have been bullied (at least not severely), I was even lucky enough to have a good/close friend in primary school
  • my s......... even tried to protect me from occasional bullying by making phone calls to the bullies
  • trips within Switzerland to all those well-known places, especially those located in the mountains (and German-speaking parts of Switzerland)
  • very friendly encounters with people all around Switzerland (for example the guy in the indoor swimming pool of a well-known tourist destination)
  • several stays in "music" holiday camps, I met very nice people there, unfortunately, I lost all contacts (and I also don't play musical instruments anymore at the moment, I will explain later and in another section why, but it would be relatively easy to begin again with it)
  • playing the violin (and (much) later piano too
  • no contact with a computer except for a brief period in about 1990
  • spending half a year in our holiday chalet/home
  • learning the touch (typing) system in about 1992
  • one incident on a walk when .. s......... h.. m. d....... i... t.. f...
  • one incident after I had tried to remove snow from s.........'s car
  • about 1996: incident with the f...... of my s........., he must have been stressed very much (absolutely not to be told)
  • my mother always discouraged me from any potentially risky physical activity because I had only one healthy eye left (which is understandable somehow)
  • But it is also clear that some incidents might be normal (and not even be named as "incidents" in ordinary families maybe), I am not sure, my family situation was also special because of my origin and the s......... probably was (over-)challenged by the unusual situation. And one should also not forget that twenty years ago, (general) society (especially in suburban and rural areas respectively in social settings that were conservative) was not as open and tolerant (for families in all their diversity) as it is today. It was probably just very difficult to educate me.
  • at around 1995 or 1996 (maybe something for the next section): How I dropped out of physical education (where I was slightly bullied, at least I had this impression then) with a doctor's letter.
  • always a very good student (best in class in primary school, best or second best in class in gymnasium), bringing home only the best marks (except for the school subject physical education and handicrafts which were both not counting).
  • housing situation: living in a big house with a large garden (surrounded by a lot of trees) and an outdoor swimming pool, no siblings, growing up with s......... and mother.
  • not being gentle enough when interacting in a playful way with two people (probably two incidents when still being a relatively young boy), this also retrospectively somehow shows my character and lack of considerateness already as a child (hopefully, this is different now).
  • always being told to hurry up when preparing to go for a hike (my mother and especially me were too slow)
  • the large amount of material that I usually took with me in the car when we were driving into the holiday home
  • the social isolation (from peers) when being in the holiday home
  • not doing anything meaningful for school during holidays (except for maybe reading books)
  • constantly being unchallenged in school
  • no television in the holiday home
  • but television in the regular home, how I figured out to disable the time switch (especially on Saturday mornings when my s......... worked) with which my s......... tried to prevent me from watching (too much) television
  • reading also a lot of Disney comics
  • how I received a (then quite expensive) cassette recorder for birthday
  • celebrating my birthday: the music that was played when I entered the room with my birthday presents
  • first music given by my s.........: march music
  • the animals that I had as a child: two cats and several guinea pigs (including one young offspring, "Schnüfeli")
  • the electric toy railway (of which my s......... was probably fascinated even more than me)
  • a Lego space station that I was given maybe at the age of ten
  • first computer (a Power Macintosh 6100) maybe in 1993
  • how my s......... always (especially maybe after 1994) talked about it that I would never succeed in school or academically
  • what my s......... said about what kind of profession I would best work (th.. is imp....... to ever w.... h...)
  • profession of my s......... (that certainly had its influence on me) in the humanities (no engineering, no mathematics; and my real/biological father neither (a secondary school teacher for the humanities))
  • anxiously trying to impress my s......... as much as possible when there was visiting day at school (once falling ill afterwards because of overstrain that I had self-imposed on me)
  • reunion of my schoolmates of where I went to school from our holiday home, how I realized that I somehow lacked speed in maturing
  • beginning to learn foreign languages at a very late age, only at 13 (as this was the case in Switzerland then still)
  • how I toward the end of primary school a left handicraft lesson
  • my (quite large) collection of prospectuses/leaflets/brochures of tourist destinations that I collected when I was maybe 7 - 14 years old
  • I once had an allergic reaction (on my skin and possibly lungs) against cement dust with which I came in contact in school
  • being stung by a bee several times (maybe such an event is too unimportant to be mentioned here, especially since I am not allergic towards it)
  • how I always wanted to climb on a specific mountain or go to yet another place when traveling with my parents (this also showed my character at an early age, I was always "striving" for something)
  • how I very rarely or actually never had to help in the household, the parents did everything for me
  • how I physically avoided/dodged my s......... when we got close (for example crossing him within the house) as if he was a stranger (we also never hugged each other, at least not when I was an older child), I probably subconsciously felt that he was not my real f..... (although I could still have hugged him)
  • I was called respectively known as a "striver" probably already in primary school
  • there was yet another point that I have forgotten unfortunately (I remembered only four out of the five points that appeared in my memory when I was lying in my bed this morning) (no, I probably remembered all points)
  • I began to play the violin at age 9 or 10; and piano unfortunately very late because we didn't have a piano, only at the age of maybe 14-15 (and recorder at around the age 7-9)

1996 - 2000

the toys that were able to splash water that I bought and that soon afterwards a lot of people in the school acquired too (and one teacher was not delighted), how my s......... gave me a catalogue of an electronics mail-order company when I was already maybe 18 (which was very kind of him and I am still giving him great credit for it), first mobile phone in 2000, not buying a new replacement computer until 2000. The years 1996 will be especially important since they directly lead into what went on afterwards (after 2000), never being told in an unemotional/fact-based way how important it is to work, to earn one's own living and to get a (realistic) education for it. Also a topic of its own: These pi...... (not to be talked about). So, a lot of smaller and larger family secrets (I also have my own, unfortunately). What matters is not that every detail is told but what my general feelings/thoughts were. And I will have to talk more about that: Role of my mother and stepfather, how I perceived them, what/how I felt generally. My preoccupation with my height, going to the medical doctor in order to find out my future height, how I remained for a long time in the girl's section in singing tuition because my voice break / puberty vocal change had not yet set in. Beginning to learn English at a very late age, only at sixteen (I already wrote that in 2010 somewhere on this website here, if I remember it correctly.), my (very large) collection of mail-order fashion/clothing catalogues that I began to collect maybe at the of 15. How women approached me who probably had some interest in me and I chose to remain alone for a very strange/particular reason.

Biography as I summarized it in July 2010

Born 17.11.1979 on 18:10h in Z. (r. c. hospital, the hospital is no longer existent but has been integrated in another hospital)

1979-1980: Living in Z. for about one year

1980-2010: Living in P. for about thirty years (so far) (interrupted by a stay of half a year in S., see below)

1985-1987: Kindergarten in P. (spring 1985 - spring 1987)

1987-1993: Primary school in P. (spring 1987 - July 1993) (with a stay for half a year in 1990/1991 in the village of S. in the mountains and going to school in R.)

1993-2000: High school / "Middle school" in W. (August 1993 - January 2000)

2000-2003: With some interruptions, studying at the university of Z.

2003-2005: Studying at the university of Z., but also other activities, see the separate page Lukas Girtanner's particularly bad years

2006: First writing attempt of philosowiki.org, being stopped by spammers in spring/summer 2010

2006-2010: Studying at the university of Z., receiving monthly money payments of disability benefits by the state/federal governmental disabilitiy office

2008: A few attempts to find a job on the normal labour markets

April 2010: Beginning of writing this website here